On a recent international Zoom event with NYU’s Dr. Zhana Vrangalova (Uncensored Sex Talk), men and women from five continents converged to share experiences and learn the latest scientific research about female ejaculation. Due to the constraints inherent in trying to cover such a meaty topic in a virtual chat room of globally diverse participants all in a mere hour and a half, we all came away with many more questions!
Some had hoped to hear more about the subjective experience from a woman’s perspective: what it feels like, what we do actively (and what other embarrassing bodily functions might show up as a result), how to teach ourselves how to do it, and how to talk about it with a partner and invite them to help us out. Do let me share a bit on these topics!
First of all, one of the clear takeaways from this racy evening on Zoom was that not all women (or “vagina owners”) have the same anatomy involved or even the same pleasurable experiences. The female prostate (or Skene’s glands, which produces a white milky substance) appears to be highly anatomically variable among women, and some women may not even have such a structure. Nevertheless, it appears that most women probably do have the capacity to squirt if they want to, since the most recent research indicates that the greatest quantity of the liquid that, although not urine, may come from the bladder itself. As more information circulates about the topic, women are intrigued to explore its possibilities and empower themselves with knowledge.
As a woman who squirts, I have many happy feelings about it, and I have had some misgivings about it along the way. My first ejaculation (before I even knew it was a thing!) took place while driving a tractor, and so I had to hang out in a pair of wet pants afterward, marveling about what the hell had just taken place. The sensation was a delightful explosive burst of hot liquid which I could not control partly because I had no idea my body did that. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced sexually. Luckily, the climate was arid so the pants dried quickly, which was nice. But I didn’t have any knowledge to empower my exploration any further and turn this freak event into something of my own. It took me years to stumble across what was necessary for me to learn what it was and how to cultivate it into something that has since brought me tremendous pleasure and understanding.
Now, thank heavens, we have Dr. Zhana and all kinds of other information (even video tutorials) at our fingertips, amassed for us on the world-wide web over the past couple of decades. So where to start? Since we’re in the middle of a pandemic, it’s nice to know that the best place to start is all by yourself! Yes, I’m talking about masturbation, which of course you’re saying is a “duh.” But I’m also talking about getting to know your own pelvic floor muscles and learning about sexual energy movement. My angle is always going to emphasize bringing the greatest degree of awareness into the activity, so I’m talking about paying very close attention to all the subtleties, as a starting place. I recommend practicing the Taoist exercises outlined in Healing Love Through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy, by Mantak and Maneewan Chia. Learning to tune into and circulate your own aroused energy can help you pave the way toward enhanced sexual and orgasmic experiences across the board. So even if you find you are unable to squirt, you are still profoundly nourishing your sexual being. (Click for a breathtaking rundown of orgasmic possibilities by Annie Sprinkle.) The exercises in the Chia book are designed to heighten your awareness of all your female sexual organs (breasts, vagina, cervix, uterus, and ovaries). How much more empowering can you get!
Then comes an exploration of inhibitions. For me, in order to teach myself to “come undone” and let loose with the liquid assets, I had to allow myself to go places that were way out of my comfort zone. I had to create a whole new relationship with my pelvic floor–one that involved relaxing musculature that my mind and body had become convinced is only appropriate when seated securely on the toilet! I had to let go of my fear that maybe ejaculation really was urination (because it does feel disconcertingly similar, since the mechanism involved is part of the urethra). I even found it helpful to push through my bodily holding pattern at times by trying to urinate or making believe I was urinating at the point of orgasm. This helped me further isolate the specific musculature involved.
Also, as Kenneth Play pointed out during the Uncensored Zoom event, learning to squirt (and, I’d add, to perpetuate orgasm and ejaculation) is greatly facilitated by the action of bearing down, often alternating with the action of deliberately contracting the “kegel” muscles of the perineum. Because of this, I have also had to confront the fear that I might defecate (note that this very same combination of exercises is done in a yogic mudra designed for stimulating mass peristalsis, or bowel movement). The fear of farting, pissing, and defecating I found was shared by some others present in the zoom room. I have recognized my own paranoia in this regard as more of the useless baggage to dump along with so many other conditioned inhibitions! In order to become Women, we have to stop being girls and ladies, and flip these worries the bird. Sexual liberation hinges directly upon people letting go of trying to hide and control natural bodily (gasp! animal) functions. All that propriety around the plumbing has to get snaked out. Protecting the furniture in advance from the waterworks and other substances can ease your mind and help you relax (you can even do it in the bathtub at first, which can offer total reassurance for beginners). But ultimately, a turd in the punchbowl doesn’t have to spoil the party, as long as we’re all willing to be adults about it!
Lastly (for now), squirting can be an incredibly intimate and deeply satisfying erotic expression between partners. Wrapping up the zoom event, we all agreed that having a welcoming space to practice can be make or break for squirting success. While it may be necessary for squirters to educate new partners about this sexual function beforehand, once everyone is on board, we can begin to tune into the finer essences of the function and the substance itself to appreciate the incredible thing that is going on (if you do the homework in the Chia book, these things will become more palpable…plus there’s a male equivalent to the book if you’re partner’s a guy). Because of his spectacular level of awareness, and also perhaps his age, my male partner finds it even more rewarding and exciting to him than his own ejaculation! I can go on for hours about the glory of sex that comes alive when we slow down, get out of the way, tune into each other, and pay more attention to the activity, but I’ll sum it up by borrowing the three magic words from Dan Savage: good, giving, and game…
In my own words, be good by knowing (and attending to) your own and each others’ bodies. Be giving by opening yourselves to full expression and intimate participation (nobody’s trying to be a rockstar). Be game by letting go of all fears about new and unknown experiences.