Do we live in a sexually repressed society? This is an important question that needs to be asked (and answered) at this juncture, because in order to get free, we must first understand that we are not already there. And… the sexually saturated media throughout our midst can give the appearance of sexual freedom when the reality is quite otherwise.
Since we are each a reflection of society, asking ourselves the following series of personal questions can bring it home to help us get a sense of how liberated we actually are when push comes to shove:
- Am I comfortable with my own nudity? (in public?…in private?…with close friends and family?) Am I fine with others’ nudity in my waking presence?
- Am I easily able to (non-jokingly) bring up any sexual topic with my friends?…with my parents?…with my children?…with colleagues at work? Why or why not?
- In romantic and sexual relationships, am I comfortable discussing and acknowledging my own, and my partner’s, varied sexual interests (in other people… in kinky things)?
- Am I comfortable asking for sex when I want it? (Is it even clear to me when I want sex, or is it tangled up in all kinds of other things?)
- Am I at ease when others speak about their sexuality or sex in general?
- Am I comfortable asking other people about their sexuality and answering others’ questions about my own?
- When I meet someone, am I able to tell them that I find them sexually attractive? Do I think that’s appropriate? If not, why? Would I balk if they said that to me? If so, why?
- Am I comfortable using descriptive terms of genital anatomy (i.e. my/your vagina, or my/your penis)?
- Am I comfortable expressing appreciation for pornography?
- Am I at ease asking about what other people really do, how they do it, what they like and what they want sexually?
A “no” answer to the above questions represents a form of the inner censorship that results from sexual embarrassment from social training, and deserves reflection. *(If you have been a victim of sexual abuse, your answers may reflect that trauma more than any general societal training. In this case, you may want to ask yourself the question: What does a healthy sexual experience look like?… And, it may be wise to seek the guidance of a therapeutic professional to assist you personally through healing that trauma.)
Finally, a couple more questions worth pondering:
- Am I confused or frustrated by mixed messages about sex from people I know or in the world at large, and do I feel isolated in that state?
- What is my vision for a fully sexually liberated society and for a fully sexually liberated being?
There’s a lot here. Let’s talk!
The fact that we have to ask (and answer) these types of questions is not only very disturbing, but is at the heart of the problem. I agree (from #1) that we come in fully “loaded” sexually, and that it is society that educates us so improperly. But the fact that we still, thousands of years after societies have formed, have such difficulties that we have to ask these kinds of questions, is just unfathomable to me. There is no question that humans are incredibly stupid creatures. But this level of insanity is beyond the pale. As these mindsets of negativity that we have developed only go to screw ourselves in both the long and the short run, I find it absolutely unbelievable that we have been incapable of obliterating them both individually and societally. Yet, here we are. It is clear how difficult it is to remove oneself from these mindsets, much less uplift all of a society from these dregs. Personally, I can’t see or visualize a more important thing for every person to be working on. It appears that this ends up being an issue of personal responsibility, and that is just not something most people are interested in. What a shame.
It’s not clear to me whether I’m repressed or if it’s our society, and I think that comes from the apparent abundance of sex portrayed in the media. I answered most of the questions above with a “no” or “not really” or “not always.” It is telling that I would find it quite difficult to tell someone I found them sexually attractive – mostly because, in my mind, that would require us doing something about it. You can’t just acknowledge something like that and then not do anything about it! Or can you?
This is exactly what I’m talking about! We are, collectively, society. You did not develop your attitudes in a vacuum.
Yes, we have become accustomed to graphic imagery and explicit sexual content in the media. But even while our lives are more and more media-dominated, the reality is that our human relationships continue to shape us socially. Because the level of comfort with sex in the media has not trickled beneath the surface to affect deeper levels of our sexual humanity, we learn to censor ourselves in the social environment (and we learn this very very early). So, although it may appear that everything is wide open and sex is abundant and unrestricted, that hasn’t translated into how we are relating as humans, interpersonally.
The only way to make that translation is by taking deliberate action. In so doing, you will find out whether it’s just you (something you’ve made up in your own mind) or whether the repression exists at the societal level.
Taking action means making outward expressions, and the expression of sexual attraction has tremendous merit all on its own, whether or not any follow-up action is taken on that. This is because, by pressing up against the envelope of “propriety”, we get hands-on experience with truth and honesty, which may help us dissolve self limitations, develop an understanding of sexuality, and even discover new interpersonal possibilities.
There is certainly no obligation to take further action beyond making the epression, although if both parties are interested, why not have a ball?
Thank you for your comments!
I don’t like it when people refer to genitals in terms that reflect their discomfort. For example, I do not like the use of vahjayjay to mean vagina. It’s childish. And my reference to it being childish only reflects that children are taught early on to be uncomfortable with their genitals and to NOT refer to them by their true names or even refer to them at all! Shouldn’t the sexual education of children begin with the understanding of their own anatomy? Isn’t such self-knowledge also the path to full self-expression, self-empowerment, self-awareness and self-respect?
You got it! Thank you for articulating this so well.